A Well-Rounded Square

Fare Thee Well

2006-07-28T06:58:00.000-07:00

This blog is on indefinite hiatus. So, to my 3-4 regular readers, thanks for playing! Take it easy.

No Way...

2006-07-26T10:48:00.000-07:00

You've gotta be kidding me...

Actually...I'm not that surprised, which is sad. I come to expect things like this nowadays...

Justice is such a dirty word now.

Busted!!!

2006-07-17T12:20:00.000-07:00

A Raid on the Square

Oddly enough, I was AT Preservation Pub when I heard the news last night. I was also at Earth to Old City on Thursday. Wow...

American V: A Hundred Highways

2006-07-17T08:11:00.000-07:00

I want this...badly.

Not only does this cd have Johnny last recording ,"Like the 309," but it also has "God's Gonna Cut You Down," which I finally heard last week. I swear, it gave me chills.

Barbie Says, "Math is Hard!"

2006-07-12T07:35:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess this is kind of a useless post, but I've been neglecting this thing. So this is to my three-or-so faithful readers who actually give a semi-damn (if there are more, they should show themselves! I like company here...)

I've got some ideas brewing for new columns already. Unfortunately, I've gotten less and less optimistic about society and human nature in general, in light of all the crap that's happened. The news usually just pisses me off...I can't watch coverage of the Couey trial without crying or cursing, I'm physically SICK of party politics, and (on a more personal note) I have to listen to my brother, who is perfectly content to stagnate in life and expects everything to be handed to him, bitch and moan because people expect him to do more than skateboard. All he does is talk about how much he hates his life while there are children starving to death across the world and people being shot and blown to pieces in the Middle East. Why is it that the people who contribute least to society are the ones who think the world revolves around them?

Sorry...the 8AM math class I'm taking this summer must be making me grouchy. I swear, attempting math before ten is not a natural human process. They should really take that into consideration...

In happier news, I bought a lot of books this week.

Fall of the House of Usher and Other Tales (Poe of course)
Death of a Salesman
A slam book
The Bell Jar (reading it for the first time, actually. Yes, Plath fans are often pigeonholed, but hell, I'm making my own call)
Lysistrata
Farenheit 451 (Yes! About time...)

still working on my list too. I need to go cross some off...

ps I highly recommend CASH: The Autobiography. Even if you're not a Johnny Cash fan, or a (real) country music fan in general, the book is fabulous...

Donald Duck, the Nazi

2006-07-06T11:16:00.000-07:00

This is freaky...

Yes! Yes! It's true!!!!

2006-06-23T09:56:00.000-07:00

One of the best-written cartoon sitcoms ever is making a comeback.

2006-06-08T13:11:00.000-07:00

Al-Zarqawi is dead .

Chapter 27

2006-06-01T09:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I read some stuff on the upcoming movie Chapter 27, which chronicles the events that led up to John Lennon's murder at the hand of crazy Mark David Chapman. As a hardcore Beatles fan, I wanted to get some info about what is actually being done here. Turns out I guessed right about a number of things.

A lot of Beatles/Lennon fans are actively protesting this film, asserting that it glorifies Lennon's assassin. As for me, I'm not completely ENRAGED by this--it's only a movie, one that I can't forsee being very good at any rate. I do, however, plan to quietly boycott it, as there are several problems I have with it.

1) For starters, it's clear where they are going with this. It will be a lecture about how we are supposed to feel sorry for this misunderstood psycho who shot a man four times in front of is wife right after asking the said man for an autograph. Chapman wanted to go down in history, and Hollywood's making sure he does. It's not uncommon to see murderers glorified in this world--this is just another case.

2) The title, Chapter 27, pretty much confirms everything I just said. The movie really plays up Chapman's obsession with Catcher in the Rye, a book from which Chapman quoted an excerpt in his hearing. CITR has 26 chapters, and "chapter 27" reportedly refers to the missing chapter, aka Chapman's life. We're apparently supposed to have pity for him because he relates so much to Holden Caulfield. Now, I have read Salinger's book svereal times, and I certainly don't remember Holden shooting down a musician, but whatever...

3) Apparently, the actual murder scene is being filmed in the exact location of the real event-- outside the Dakota apartment building in New York. By the way, Yoko Ono still lives there. I'm definitley not a fan of hers, but to me that whole thing seems rather inappropriate.

4)Aside from all this, here's the main reason I don't want to see this: Honestly, what's the point? I know what happened, and it's not going to change my feelings toward Chapman or Lennon. This event took place so quickly, and there's no reason to make a film about it. They are packing in all this crap about poor Chapman to add enough time and background to profit with a film. In addition, though John was an amazing musician (even if I disagree with a lot of his views and found his ego to be off-putting--but that's irrelevant), his murder does not NEED to be made into a film. It was sad, but it's not like his murder altered history much in the big picture. Again. don't get me wrong--it was not right. We lost quite an artist. But what will a movie accomplish, aside from making Lennon even more of a martyr and his killer even more of a victim?

I do think some fans are taking the protest a little too far. I have heard one actually say that Jared Leto (Chapman) and Lindsay Lohan (as Jude, his female friend in the movie) are really playing Hitler and Evan Braun. Ok, come on. Seriously. I can understand you're mad, but don't exaggerate it to that underserved level.

Well, there's my two cents. Won't be seeing this one.

By the way, here's a poster I found for the film. It's creepy as hell:

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y224/CKH/lennon.jpg

(sorry...couldn't get the link to work here. You'll just have to input it).

It's a Sad State of Affairs...

2006-05-31T13:11:00.000-07:00

...when over 5,000 are killed by a quake in Indonesia, and all the news cares about is Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt having a baby.

Lists

2006-05-16T11:13:00.000-07:00

Time for a more lighthearted topic... I'm in the mood to make some lists for myself. So, here are some lists of music, movies, and books (especially books) I want to own/see/read eventually.

Music I Would Like To Have Someday, When/If $$$ Permits (Old and new, but mostly old):

Ben Fold- Songs for Silverman

Neko Case- Fox Confessor Brings the Flood

The Essential Johnny Cash

Mirah- C'mon Miracle

Bilie Holiday- Love Songs

Cat Power- Moon Pics or The Greatest

The Beach Boys- Pet Sounds

Melanie- Beautiful People

Garbage- Bleed Like Me

Flogging Molly- Within a Mile Of Home

The Best of The Velvet Underground

The Pixies- Dolittle

Classic Sinatra

Miles Davis- Kind of Blue

The Best of Talking Heads

The Spamalot Soundtrack

Loretta Lynn- anything

Ray Charles- anything

The Beatles-- Capitol Albums Boxed Set

Movies I Haven't Seen and Would Like To:

Bringing Up Baby

A Streetcar Named Desire

All About Eve

Frailty

~~Domino~~

Art School Confidential

Scary Movie 4

Elizabethtown

This is Spinal Tap

Silent Movie (Mel Brooks)

~~Failure to Launch~~

Donnie Darko

Wait Until Dark

~~Harvey~~

~~Rear Window~~

Books I Want to Read (hopefully many over the summer):

~~Pride and Prejudice- Jane Austen~~

~~Cash: The Autobiography- Johnny Cash~~

~~Marathon Man- William Goldman~~

Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister- Gregory Maguire

Beloved- Toni Morrison

(reread) Song of Solomon- Toni Morrison

The Road to Mars- Eric Idle

~~Tao De Te Ching~~

Mythology- Edith Hamilton

Lolita- Vladimir Nabokov

The Pooh Perplex and/or Postmodern Pooh- Frederick Crews

Psychotic Reactions and Carburetor Dung: The Work of a Legendary Critic: Rock'N'Roll as Literature and Literature as Rock 'N'Roll- Lester Bangs

High Fidelity- Nick Hornby

Who Stole Feminism?: How Women Have Betrayed Women-Christina Hoff-Sommers

~~The Bell Jar- Sylvia Plath~~

Fool For Love- Sam Shepard

No Exit- Jean-Paul Sartre

Two Treatises of Government-- John Locke

(reread) Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man- James Joyce

The Harry Potter series (I've read only the first three)- J.K. Rowling

Slaughterhouse Five- Kurt Vonnegut

Franny and Zooey- J.D. Salinger

Anything by Dave Barry

Son of a Witch- Gregory Maguire

...I'll add more later

Faux Update

2006-05-03T08:41:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I know, it's been forever. But seriously, I'm burned out and restless...sick of school, sick of meaningless tasks, and sick of politics and our messed up country...

It will be over soon. I'll come back and you'll get to hear more snarky commentary from your favorite skinny-girl smart-ass real soon!

Love y'all. Peace.

--C

I did nothing but homework this weekend.

2006-04-02T20:39:00.000-07:00

So I took a break and created this, so people won't think I've gotten too serious...

Heehee!

One Step Closer

2006-03-31T08:37:00.000-08:00

Ohio passed Jessica's Law, in light of the insane actions of "Judge" Drunk E. Connor

We're getting closer, little by little.

However, it bothers me that there is more media coverage of Scalia's "obscene gesture" than there is of this.

On a side note, I am giving a persuasive speech on Jessica's Law for my Public Speaking class next week. I administered a survey about it to my class, and no one knew anything about the bill. This is sad to me.

Life is so bright and scary outside the confines of the Beacon!!!!

2006-03-29T08:08:00.000-08:00

in response to your cocky ass remarks you have so generously given me, the only reason i wrote that article was for an english class for a liberal teacher. it was an assignment and if i could have said what i really think, i don't think it would've been allowed in the Beacon. it most definately would be in the Hang Over. so i appreciate your shitty attitude in thinking you know everything and think your such an amazing scholar. thanks for the opinion but it doesn't mean shit to me. oh, and to clear one thing up, i am just about to get into business school in marketing, so no, i don't know about all the entertainment tactics yet, like i said... it was an assignment, don't take it so personal. get a life other than writing in the paper.

Fair enough. I deserved it. Maybe I did go a little overboard. But to me, people who take a professor's opinion and market it as their own, even though they disagree, needs to hear it. That scares me.

Oooh, a Wiseguy, eh?

2006-03-28T18:04:00.000-08:00

Check out today's letter to the editor in response to
my most recent Beacon article.

Here's the email I sent him today. Enjoy!

Levi,
Thank you so much for the letter you sent to the editor of the Beacon regarding my MTV column! You have helped my case immensely by proving every single word of my argument to be entirely true. See, you have officially declared yourself a product of the corporate mammoth known as MTV, which is run by the bigshots at Viacom. It shouldn't surprise me that you are a marketing major, except that I would guess you'd be more aware of the tactics of the entertainment industry and thus less vunerable to them. I clearly guessed wrong.

The best approach here, I believe, is to respond to your letter point-for-point. So here it goes:

"MTV has upstanding lessons for young America. Criticizing MTV for only manipulation of gender is an undermined statement that needs to be clarified. MTV gives moral and cultural advice to young America about how to make a difference in the American society."

Ok, for starters, I'm not sure what "undermined statement" is supposed to mean. Were you going for a different word, perhaps, like "erroneous?" From the get-go, I wonder if you even read my article, because I criticized MTV for a lot of things, not "only manipulation of gender." In fact, I'm pretty sure I said anything at all about gender itself being manipulated. As far as the "make a difference" stuff, that's pretty vague. A difference isn't always a good thing. Hitler made a difference, didn't he?

"MTV stands for what is right in today’s culture. The program has two main goals of getting young people to do the right thing. The two goals include the “Fight for AIDS” and “The Right to Vote” commonly known by the slogan “Vote or Die”. “Fight for AIDS” is a program that teaches young people that AIDS is not a joke and getting tested for STDs is a major part in keeping the society healthier. The program tries to raise donations to help the people in Africa in fighting AIDS and to help those here in America in the same sense. “Vote or Die” also motivates young America in teaching them that voting is a privilege and that they can make a difference in voting for what they think is right and also putting the person they believe will make the right decisions in running our country. Statistics have shown that through these two programs MTV has made the right step in helping those around us in need and increasing the amount of young voters in choosing the perfect person for the top leadership job in this nation, the president of the United States."

I hate to break it to you, but the "two main goals" of MTV have nothing to do with "the right thing." We are talking about an entertainment network here: This is a business, not a humanity project. The two main goals are money and power.
If you HAD read the article (again, I have my doubts), you would have read the section on the voting campaigns, and you would have seen that, on the surface (which is apparently all that matters), these are great programs. Now, here's your chance to use the word "undermined" correctly, as that is exactly what the extremely biased nature of these programs are doing to the inital goal of getting kids involved. They are explicitly geared toward one party. How is limiting options supposed to help the situation?
As for the AIDS fight: Again, important movement undermined by MTV's overall message. MTV speaks out about fighting AIDS, then turns right around and advocates risky sexual behavior and promiscuity in its programs. Explain that one...
I notice you toss the word "right" around a lot. This is interesting, since you don't really define the term in your own words and seem to rely on the entertainment industry to do it for you. That's scary.

"People need to look more in depth of the advantages of MTV and what they are contributing to America. Truth being, MTV does have a different prospect on entertainment, whether it be partying, Spring Break trips or signals of manipulation, but the program definitely has the upper hand in contributing to the decisions that young people make in bettering their lives and those around them."
In order to look more in depth at any message MTV is trying to send, you would have to have some depth to work with. You can't go diving in shallow water, yknow. And what do you mean by "signals of manipulation?" Did you actually just admit that MTV does manipulate people, after writing this entire letter to disprove that? You're certaiinly right in saying MTV has the upper hand in influencing young people--as I said before, you are living proof, my friend.

"Stand up for what is right, and stop putting MTV on a pedestal of manipulation. Start looking at the real goals of MTV and the changes they are trying to accomplish in American society"

There's that word again-- "right." Gee, I sure am glad we have a multi-million dollar corporation around to tell today's youth what is "right." I can sleep peacefully knowing that the "real goals of MTV" have clearly been accomplished, as they have no trouble lining their pockets and dominateing the behavior of their favorite people, the mush-minded consumers of the young generation. Thanks, MTV, for saving the world. My hero.

Regards,
Crystal Humphrey

I'm such a little smartass.

Goodbye, Children

2006-03-15T08:56:00.000-08:00

So Chef is leaving South Park

I find it interesting that Issac Hayes has been doing Chef's voice for like ten years, and call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure they were making fun of religion back then as well. Of course, they just recently hit Scientology, which is what offended Hayes in the first place. I tell ya man, Scientology makes people KWAAZY!!!

Maybe he should go burn down the Comedy Central building in protest.

I Just Couldn't Resist...

2006-03-14T10:14:00.000-08:00

I must say, I'm impressed. This is actually really well-done...and funny as hell.

Thank you, Scott

2006-03-13T08:39:00.000-08:00

Scott Miller knows that I want to see him play, and that I missed him this time last year when he played the Bijou benefit concert, and so he's playing three times in Knoxville, two for free. Unfortunately I might only be able to make one free one, but definitely the Blue Cats show. Two outta three ain't bad.

But that's not the point. The point is that Scott is here, intentionally giving me three opportunities to see him. He's playing here just because he, knows, he knows...

My delusions of grandeur are so much fun!!!

2006-03-09T12:50:00.000-08:00

Ok, so my experience with the Beacon has been a pretty positive one overall. However, for the first time, I am really, truly pissed off at the way my column was presented today.

You may not think it's a big deal for someone to omit a sentence or two from your work (well, if you're serious about writing, you probably do). However, the version of the column that ran today is missing an important sentence which hints at the hypocrisy of Hollywood actors who claim to be Democrats (members of the "poor man's party"), yet live a lifestyle completely counter to that idea. Without this sentence, my column sounds weak and disorganized. That line was my favorite.

So, for all three or four of the people who actually read this blog (if there are more, please speak up), HERE is the column is it was intended to run. The differences may seem tiny and insignificant, but believe me...they were important:

When I was younger, I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to move out to Hollywood and someday, of course, win an Oscar, and give a beautiful acceptance speech. So naturally, I begged my mother to let me stay up and watch the Academy Awards nearly every year. I sat through all the boring categories that most people don’t pay attention to just so I could see which of my favorite actors would win the coveted statue.
As I grew older, I began to actually think about the Oscars. I realized that the awards didn’t always go to the most skilled performers, or to the most popular movie. I realized that the entire basis for the Academy Awards was the opinions of a bunch of anonymous, snobby old fogies who only care about money and appearance.
In regards to best picture nominees, great movies like Walk the Line and The Chronicles of Narnia were completely snubbed. Clearly, the Johnny Cash biopic was not controversial enough, and Narnia contained far too many Christian undertones. Instead, they had Syriana and Brokeback Mountain, and all the commentary that went with those films. At least the film that won, Crash, was a decent movie with good performances, despite a few overly preachy scenes.
Honestly, the films really don’t matter. Much like Hollywood itself, the Academy Awards are less about movies than they are about political agendas and how the nominees are dressed. The former was especially prevalent this year-- why else would Jon Stewart have hosted? It was clearly an amusing, sardonic statement that the Oscar ceremony was not about artistic merit this year—it was all about politics.
It’s especially odd to find issues such as the war and gay rights juxtaposed with a celebration of pure elitism. People in Hollywood claim to show real concern over their agendas, yet they follow them by commenting on who designed the dress so-and-so is wearing and exactly how much it cost. I find it really tough to take any issues-related statements seriously in such a shallow, money-driven environment. If you want to see their true political colors, ask them how they feel about redistribution of wealth. Suddenly, they would all look like Republicans.
I like movies—I just don’t like the industry. I don’t like to turn on the news and hear all about how Jennifer Aniston is recovering from her breakup. If you ask me, relationships in the high tiers of that business are doomed for failure anyway. I don’t see why we should care where Colin Farrell went shopping last week. I don’t understand why we have reinstated a monarchy in America made up of greedy entertainers who receive more money than physicians, educators, and law enforcement put together.
The idea of “art-for-art’s sake” seems to be going the way of the dodo, overshadowed by all this superficial garbage. When I enjoy actors, I enjoy their skill, or their performance in a film they have made. I don’t, however, think they deserve six-figure salaries for simply existing, and I really don’t need to read about them every time they go to the bathroom. I certainly don’t need them telling me how I should believe or who I should vote for either.
As I stated before, it’s not that I don’t enjoy movies. I enjoy a lot of movies, actually—most of which were released a long time ago. I think Hollywood is starting to realize it is running out of ideas and that its creativity is beginning to wane. However, the past few years have given us at least a few really good movies. One of my favorite recent movies is one of the best political satires I’ve ever seen—Team America: World Police. It features the Film Actors Guild (yes, the initials are intentional), a group of actors lead by Alec Baldwin who consider themselves experts on international relations, rebuke “corporate America,” and support such peaceful leaders as… Kim Jong Il. In other words, this movie makes a stronger statement with dirty jokes and puppets than most other “serious” movies released in the past couple of years. I don’t have to tell you why this movie made me laugh so hard.
Hollywood elitists worship themselves and each other, and the rest of the country worships them too, dollar by dollar. I’m sure you’ve noticed ticket prices for movie theaters skyrocket as you’ve gotten older. Theaters are showing more advertisements than ever, claiming that this will save us money, yet the prices continue to climb. The worst part is that theater employees actually get a microscopic cut—ten percent-- of what a movie grosses in the opening week, and even if the movie’s ticket sales result get to the point of a fifty-fifty split between studios and the theaters themselves, the theaters will still lose their share to other expenses, such as staff, equipment, refreshments, etc. That’s right—this means that the theaters themselves only get a tiny bit of money earned during a movie’s highest-grossing week, and the rest is dumped back into Hollywood—back into another mansion for George Clooney (a Democrat --poor man’s party?). It gets worse: theaters are now threatening to vary prices even more, charging extra for certain days (weekends) and even for seating. Even more of our-hard-earned money will go to the crowned heads of Hollywood—if we let it, that is. Might as well wait for the DVD at that point.
Katherine Hepburn, a lady who approached her public image with flippancy and independence, once said of Hollywood actors, “Acting is the perfect idiot’s profession.” Perhaps Hollywood and all its demigods should take those words to heart and focus on producing their art rather than on running the country armed with only gold statues and designer gowns.

Giving Yale the Finger...nail!

2006-03-08T11:35:00.000-08:00

An interesting protest, via Michelle Malkin

Perhaps I should stop by the drugstore sometime today...

***EDIT***- 3/9
I'm doin' this. I seriously went out and bought a $1.00 box of fake nails yesterday. I have a whole bunch of them (not like I need them for anything else) if anyone wants to join me.

Lookit...I ordered this shirt last night!!!

2006-03-03T10:39:00.000-08:00

except mine is navy blue...

:)

Because the pointless assignments of this semester are getting on my nerves, and I don't have time for a "real" update on anything, I just want to say

2006-02-27T10:37:00.000-08:00

...that I care nothing about this "news" item and I'm only posting this because any headline that contains "George Michael" and "probe" is automatically funny to me.

Oh, that's right. I went there.

Yay!!!!!!!!!!

2006-02-24T08:14:00.000-08:00

about time...

A Brand-New Cartoon Controversy (and this time, it has nothing to do with religion!)

2006-02-23T13:47:00.000-08:00

Huh?

Perhaps the weirdest "news" of the day...

A Glimpse into the Future--Redux

2006-02-17T11:05:00.000-08:00

I had a monumnetal experience yesterday. I discovered how much I really want to teach.

Yesterday afternoon, I taught O. Henry's “Gift of the Magi” to a college-prep level freshman class at Karns. The students were SO attentive and responsive...I had a blast. After my teaching portion, the teacher gave me extremely positive feedback. She said I had good pacing, was very conversational, did not look the least bit nervous, etc. She even invited me to teach another story next week! So next week, I get to teach Poe’s “The Cask of Amontillado.”

It just felt so easy and natural—I did not feel tense, I spoke to students by name, and just generally felt so comfortable with it, as if I had been doing this for years. As a result, I could definitely see myself doing this for a living. That said, I know that realistically it will not always be as easy as it was yesterday--those students were intrigued by the novelty of having a new face in front of them. Thus, it was all fresh and interesting to them. I know that when I have my own classes, I will have to work harder to maintain that interest/discipline level. But as I gain more experience and skills, I should not have a problem with that.

It was kind of a rush, honestly...to have the authority and talk about something I enjoy. Apple Corps was a good idea...

Things are going really well for me right now. I hope I don't jinx myself by saying this, but a lot of things in my life are just falling into place really well. I feel like I have so many opportunities ahead--doors opening to the things that will make me happy. Life is busy right now, but it's fun. This sounds odd I guess, but I feel like I'm more comfortable in my own skin than ever before. It's nice, to say the least...

Ok, no more sentimentalism today. I have to keep my edge, yo...

A Glimpse into the Future

2006-02-16T08:20:00.000-08:00

In a couple of hours, I will have my first real experience with teaching English to high school kids. I'm teaching a short story to a class of 9th graders.

Eek! Wish me luck!! (ps the eek! excited, not scared).

Though I'm sure no one cares but me...

2006-02-15T09:05:00.000-08:00

SCOTT MILLER AND THE COMMONWEALTH ARE COMING TO BLUE CATS DURING SPRING BREAK!!!!!!

*yay*

I Feel Like a Music Post

2006-02-10T08:14:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, my long-awaited copy of Neko Case’s Blacklisted arrived in the mail. I listened to it for perhaps the third consecutive time last night before I wnet to sleep.

Neko Case had one of the most remarkable voices I have ever heard. Seriously.

Now, it’s only been recently—past 3, 4 years or so—that I realized not all country music was wretched—Johnny Cash, Patsy Cline, and even Lucinda Williams showed me that. Now I’ve truly discovered this redhead ex-punk whose voice hits nerve right in the base of my spine, right in Patsy and Judy Garland territory.

Do yourself a favor and listen to a snippet

I'm alive, I promise

2006-02-01T08:14:00.000-08:00

I apologize for the sparse posting as of late. I feel as though my life is something of a blur right now--a little too structured for my taste, occasionally overwhelming, yet all in all pretty decent.

That doesn't make much sense I suppose. Well, suffice it to say I am really busy, but I kinda like it that way. I'm trying to put more effort into school and overcome this flippant, devil-may-care attitude that has been seeping slowly into my system since last semester (I blame my boyfriend). I have been on the other extreme--Stress City--and that's no fun, but I should find a nice medium.

This weekend, however, school and work will be temporarily shelved, as I celebrate my 21st birthday!!!

Everything else is going alright. Friends, family, all doing well, getting along. My column is coming along just fine, though it is a little tougher filling a weekly spot. The biggest issue for me is to avoid becoming too complacent in my discussions. I want to keep everything on fire as much as I can, so to speak. I'm adapting.

I'm also trying to make more time for my other writing, which is difficult these days. I just joined the Knoxville Writer's Guild, and I have a slew of contests I'm hoping to enter soon. I may just have to sort some of my already-existing-not-so-crappy works and submit them. We'll see.

I wish I had more time to read. I just bought Johnny Cash's autobiography, and I haven't gotten to read one page. That makes me sad.

Oh, and I've recently discovered that listening to Miles Davis boosts my creativity. Good to know.

Well, this was kind of useless. Oh well. Bye.

Who would have thought...

2006-01-25T08:18:00.000-08:00

...that one of the most difficult assignments I have encountered in college has been to come up with a self-introduction speech?

...as in, describe my entire life phiolsophy in a mere one minute and twenty seconds.

Ugh.

Mommy and "Godfahdder"

2006-01-22T20:36:00.000-08:00

This has been a weekend of landmarks for people I love

Landmarks and babies.

Early Saturday morning, one of my closest friends gave birth to her first child. Natalie Catherine is six pounds, six ounces, and absoultely beautiful. I feel like an aunt--very surreal.

Sunday I went to Nashville, where my boyfriend became a godfather to his baby cousin. He got to hold him during the baptism, and I was so glad I got to see it!

I would write more, but honestly I am just plain tuckered out. 'Night-all (that's a pill).

Tired, happy, and frankly grateful I don't have a kid yet,
Crystal

:(

2006-01-19T21:03:00.000-08:00

Wilson Pickett passed away.

Yes, a Third Post...

2006-01-12T13:30:00.000-08:00

...get over it.

I glanced at the local news last night during dinner, and there was this story about a seven-year-old kid in Shelbyville that had stolen his parents car and sent police officers on a wild nighttime chase.
From the video footage they showed, you would guess upon first inspection that a SEVERELY drunk driver was behind the wheel. But here's the REALLY crazy part, kids...

Ready?...

It's great...

The kid actually use his TURN SIGNAL!!!!! Competent adult drivers don't even do that...

Wow.

Bush Signs Bill to Fight Human Trafficking

2006-01-12T13:24:00.000-08:00

It's about time.

If anyone saw the movie Human Trafficking several months back on Lifetime (yes, Lifetime...shutup), you have some idea of how scary this stuff. I'm glad action has been taken.

Beacon Mug This Semester

2006-01-12T13:20:00.001-08:00

I look kinda mean this time. Like I'm about to lunge at someone. Oh well, I guess that's appropriate. Gives me an edge... ;) Raowr!

Another Semester

2006-01-10T12:05:00.000-08:00

Well kids, it appears that yours truly is no longer a biweekly columnist. I have been promoted to a WEEKLY column in the Daily Beacon. Now you can read my columns every single Thursday! Well, actually my first one runs Wednesday(tomorrow) due to some unknown crisis. But normally it's Thursday, which is a lot better than the Monday slot I originally had.
As happy as I am with this, I have to admit it's a bit daunting knowing that I now have to come up with something to write 900+ words about every single week. This first column was especially difficult, since I had spent my break concentrating on having a good time and relaxing. I had a minor episode of panic and self-doubt yesterday, but everything worked out fine. I know the material will come to me, and that I don't need to force it or stress out. I just have to pay attention and just let the rest happen. Besides, I can always tell myself that they would not have asked me back if they thought I couldn't handle it!

I'm really not looking forward to school, though. I kinda got off to a bad start already when I got cut from a class I really wanted to take. But I should have a better attitude. It'll be over before we know it.

Plus...I turn 21 in less than a month! Whoo-hoo!!!

Futurama comeback?

2006-01-06T09:36:00.000-08:00

yes...Yes...YES!!!!

A Stunningly Appropriate End for 2005

2006-01-04T09:53:00.000-08:00

What a holiday this has been. I guess I'll just do the classic list thing. I'll try to stay in order:

1. Went to see It's a Wonderful Life at the TN Theater. Not a dry eye in the house.

2. Went Christmas caroling for elderly, homebound people. Great experience I think everyone should have.

3. Sang solo in a Christmas service. Discovered that I might be an alto after years of singing soprano.

4. Saw Christmas Carol onstage at CBT and had very good seats thanks to my friend at the box office.

5. Got a lot of really nice presents this year--more than expected. Movies included special collectors editions of The Wizard of Oz (swoon), Back to the Future Trilogy, and Office Space. Music included Johnny Cash at San Quentin, Rubber Soul, and Magical Mystery Tour on vinyl. Got lots of pillows and two calendars.

6. Saw Narnia twice. Totally blown away. It was as close to perfect as it could have gotten.

7. Went to Market Square and remembered just how bad I was at ice skating, but had a blast anyway.

8. Ok, New Year's was particularly interesting, so this will take awhile...

Afternoon of Jan. 31st-- My friend Amanda had bought me this uber-cool cake pan thing that we saw in an infomercial ages ago that I wanted really badly. Now, I am just about the least domestic women you will ever meet (i.e. I burn shit), but this thing has an insert pan so you can either bake a layered cake with two different mixes or fill it with ice cream or the like. So, since I was spending New Year's with Curt's family, including his extended family from Nashville, I decided to make not only a New Year's cake for my family, but another for his. So, I worked for three-ish hours and finally made two beautiful decorated cakes that said
2006 in big, red letters. I left them on the table and stopped to take a shower.

When I returned, a big chunk was missing from one. Our dog, Maddie,was covered in the evidence.

So, after cursing and sobbing for half an hour, I found another box of cake mix, ripped the center from the damaged cake, made the new one put the center in the crater (see why these pans are great?). It worked!

I rushed over to Curt's, where well over 20 family members and friends filled the house. Crazy. They gave me Christmas presents, which made me feel
warm and fuzzy and loved.

At midnight,his little cousin jumped on me for a new year's hug-- ignoring the full glass of white zinfandel in my hand, which ended up in my lap. But it was cute, and I had black pants on, and I was tipsy, so it was all good.

Around 2:30, I was worn out. I went upstairs and began to take my contacts out, suddenly realizing I had left my solution at home. So I grabbed his sister's solution that was sitting on the sink and popped them in that.

The next morning, I put one contact in...and my eyes burned uncontrollably. Turns out I had used peroxide-based contact cleanser that was not to be out in the eyes. Curt's sister, who thankfully works for an eye doctor, rescued me by bringing home some eyewash. Nonetheless, I had a chemical burn on my eye and saw the first two days of the new year through one eye.

Aside from the apparent voodoo curse of the weekend, this holiday has been fabulous, and I'm looking forward to an awesome year, now that I can see and have no plans to cook anything for awhile.

Ok 2006...bring it on.

No!

2005-12-22T09:48:00.000-08:00

Aw, man...

The other day, I decided if I ever started a band, I would name it ZuZu's Petals.

Well, someone beat me to it, of course...

TWICE!!!

Grr...

**EDIT** Ok, the links don't work. But Google it...trust me, you'll find em.

Looking back

2005-12-19T12:56:00.000-08:00

Ok, for those of you who don't know, I work in an office on campus. I'm trying to work quite a bit over the holidays and get some extra dough, and right now, since all the students are gone, things are a bit slow. So anyway I was playing around online and came across an old journal I had. A year ago (well, more like beginning of January but...details), I made a small list of goals for myself...New Year's Resolutions, I suppose:

My biggest goals for 2005:
1.Get well
2.Get a car
3.Make really kick-ass grades again
4.Have more fun
5.Get published...somewhere...somehow...

Things I want rid of:
1. Bad health
2. Useless drama
3. General stress
4. WORRY

Things that would be neat:
1. Learn to play drums
2. Be able to do yoga again
3. Go swing dancing
4. Finish my play

Well, I am happy to report that I accomplished most of these, and then some:

Biggest goals for 2005:
1.Check!
2.Check!
3. Eh, not so much, but not too shabby either!
4.Check!!!
5. BIG CHECK! (Beacon, etc.)

Things I wanted rid of:
1. I'd say this one's pretty much a check!
2.Eh, not at first, but greatly improved...so check.
3. I've actually discovered how to use good stress to my benefit-- and to meditate--check
4.Oh, now let's be a little realistic! ;)

Things I thought would be neat:
1. Yeah, that was a short-lived phase
2. Haven't tried yet...eventually though...
3. YES and it was a blast!!!
4. Went from being a play to a short-story, and overall I'm pleased with the results.

So, in a nutshell.... I was in a MUCH different state of mind this time last year--won't go into details-- but realizing how much better off I am than a year ago really makes me feel good. I feel like I have so much more control--if anything, then over my attitude--than ever, and it's really nice. I'm very comfortable with myself...and happy.

Nice way to end the year, yknow?

George Bailey has the answers

2005-12-19T10:22:00.000-08:00

It's a Wonderful Life is one of the most beautiful films ever made.

And seeing it in the Tennessee Theater made it that much better.

James Stewart will never be matched by any actor.

If you have never seen this movie, you need to, Like, now.

I am having a wonderful holiday thus far...in many ways. Hope everyone else is.

Das Ende

2005-12-15T11:13:00.000-08:00

FINALS ARE OVER!!!! *dances*

So yeah, another semester behind me. And lemme tell ya, it's been a doozy.

Things are going well...I may be getting a $70 ipod soon, my friends are coming back to town, I see It's A Wonderful Life tomorrow at the Tennessee Theater, a good friend just got engaged, I'm singing in a candlelight service Sunday night, seeing a Christmas Carol next week, hanging out with friends old and new, getting lots of much-needed quality time avec my honey...

Life is good.

May update over the break...don't expect it, though. See, if you don't expect things, you can't be disappointed...only surprised.

Merry Christmas.

Talk About Overkill...

2005-12-07T11:57:00.000-08:00

This is the LAST thing I need...

I'm Like Carrie Bradshaw without the shoes...and, well, without the fun subject matter (dang!)

2005-12-01T09:18:00.000-08:00

This morning I received some very nice emails complimenting me on my article. One was from someone in Florida! Apparently this guy stumbled across my column when he typed "x-mas" into a search engine. How cool is that?

I hope I get asked back next semester. If I have to, I'll march down to the newsroom with my gee-tar and and enchant Mr. Carruthers with a song about why I should stay in the paper. I'll even get a fake snaggletooth and look just like Jewel- hell, I'm already blonde...
Um, wait...I WANT to get asked back. Jewel gives people nightmares.

In other Beacon news...I wanted to link something here, but the online Beacon is two days behind. Thus, I'll just say this:

Patrick Christiana, your columns will be sorely missed. :(

Never thought I'd say this...

2005-11-30T06:56:00.000-08:00

but I have to give huge props to Ricky Martin for this

Ohh Emm Gee!!!

2005-11-29T09:17:00.000-08:00

James Stewart rocks my socks

To all my fans

2005-11-28T11:40:00.000-08:00

Hey kids! I think I got what I consider my first piece of honest-to-goodness hate mail today.

Check out what this pathetic moron had to say in regards to today's column :
Quit whining about how Christians are being persecuted in this country, and quit complaining about “Merry Christmas Scowls” that never happen. Are you writing about some fictional liberal boogey-man in your nightmares who gets mad at the word Christmas? Come on, admit it. No one takes offense at the words “Merry Christmas”. Find something better to do with your time, and stop your stupid Christian pity party. Christians have it great in this country. Every president, every Supreme Court Justice, and virtually every other politician in this country is a Christian. They recently re-wrote our pledge of allegiance to include “Under God”, “In God We Trust” is on all of our money, the Ten Commandments are in public courthouses, Bush is trying to send tax-payer dollars to churches with his “faith-based initiatives”, people are trying to re-insert Creationism into the biology curriculum of public schools, and people are also pushing for officially-sanctioned prayer time in school. Why don’t you focus on just being a good Christian, and quit fussing about a bunch of bullshit.

-Steve Minkin

Steve, this is why I have a column and you don't.

Wax on, wax off...

2005-11-25T10:58:00.000-08:00

Mr. Miyagi died.

Random Snarky Office Rant of the Day

2005-11-21T12:08:00.000-08:00

It's a sad, sad day when you have to show a man with a PHD how to use a fax machine.

Ironic, too...

True

2005-11-21T10:27:00.000-08:00

"The enemy hears a big debate in the United States, and they have to wonder: 'Maybe all we have to do is wait and we'll win. We can't win militarily.' They know that. The battle is here in the United States. "- Donald Rumsfeld, this Sunday.

Regardless of how you feel about the war in Iraq, the part about the internal war is undeniable.

Stalk your friends in style!!!

2005-11-20T20:52:00.000-08:00

Has anyone else noticed that MySpace is an epidemic?

Everyone and their grandmothers are on there. No, seriously...I bet lots of peoples grandmas are there. Hm, I bet mine is. I should look her up.

I guess that goes for facebook too...

Eh, maybe I should get back on myspace...or maybe not...I dunno.

I'll Stop the World and Melt With You...

2005-11-16T20:58:00.000-08:00

This week has sucked. I've spent the majority of it being pissed off at the world, and quite frankly, it's exhausting. Couple that with a very important Stats exam on Friday that will probably determine my fate in the class, and you have one very stressed little blonde columnist. Thus, so I don't blow a gasket, I'm not going to really write all the stuff on my mind right now. I have some very important issues to rant about, but I'll put them aside for now.

In the meantime, let's just laugh at the uncanny resemblance.

Mr. Frist, there is, in fact, a snake in yer boots.

Is this serious?

2005-11-09T08:36:00.000-08:00

Wha?

Ok, so how much money you wanna bet that either he wrote this himself or got his mom to?

Speaking of shit, someone emailed me one of those stupid forwards, but this one was was amusing. It's obviously fake, but it's still pretty funny:

Manure:

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be
transported by ship. Commercial fertilizer had not
been invented yet, so large shipments of manure were
common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it
weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at
sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the
process of fermentation began again, of which methane
is a by product. As the stuff was stored below decks
in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first
time someone came below at night with a lantern,
BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner
before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped
with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which
meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the
lower decks so that any water that came into the hold
would not touch this volatile cargo and start the
production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S. H. I. T " , (Ship High In
Transport) which has come down through the centuries
and is in use to this very day.

Well, there ya have it!

keeps going and going and going...

2005-11-07T11:58:00.000-08:00

How do I manage to get myself into these things? I write one article and get dragged into abortion debates from here to kingdom come allllll week. I guess I bring it on myself. Oh well. Next week I'll write a responsive article, watch it get blowtorched, then eventually close the casket on this thing for a while.

Not that I feel any less strongly about it. Or ever will.

I was brave today... I went up against wacked out professor that wrote this letter in the Beacon
(which was clearly provoked by the words of moi).

So kids, for your reading pleasure..my response!!!

Dr. Calcott,
It is clear from your letter that you read my column last week, or at least its responses. Thus, I have a few things to say.
You say you wish to guard the "anti-abortionists" from defining what makes a human. That said, who IS best qualified to determine this? Biologists? Physicians, Interest groups? Physics professors?
You maintain that the development of a brain is what determines humanity. In other words, the heart, which developers within 3-4 weeks of conception, is irrelevant. This does not even take partial-birth abortions into account...abortions in which the brain is present. Now, you might argue that only "developed" brains count....which would mean those who live with developmental disabilities are also not considered human, I gather. When life and death are involved, and there is substantial debate over whether or not the subject in question is human, it seems to me that the wisest choice would be to err on the side of life. There is a chance that mother and baby will have a good life, and there is a chance that they won't. I don't understand why so many would assume the latter. In the midst of all this, there is that debate concerning threat to the mother and rape situations-- situations in which I feel the word "choice" takes its true form. In other words, yes--there are situations in which it would be better to terminate the pregnancy. But to terminate out of convenience, or on a "chance" that the well-being of mother and child will be jeopardized if the birth is allowed, is a different story entirely, one involving a lack of accountability. Statistically, the latter is the more prevalent situation.
I am interested in your use of the word "tragedy." Is this a scientific term? I am also curious-- would you be willing to approach someone who has just had a miscarriage (regardless of how long the pregnancy actually lasted), who has prepared emotionally for the task of parenthood, a woman who has had a living being inside her body, even if for a brief time (not just a living being, but a developing human--which I'm guessing you have never experienced)-- someone like my aunt, who had several miscarriages-- and give that person the scientific reasons why they have not experienced a loss? In other words, could you look that person in the eye and tell them that they have not experienced a tragedy?
You say more money should be put into medicine and education, which makes me wonder-- how much money could be taken from abortions specifically for that purpose?
Finally, you speak of those who "waste" the lives of young men and women to "unnecessary war." Actually, if you recall, our country does not enforce the draft. American men and women serve their country voluntarily--unlike the unborn, who have no rights. It just seems odd that a principle advocating "choice" would try to take away the choice of our service men and women away. After all...is it not "their bodies, their choice?" Thank you for reading.

Regards,
Crystal Humphrey
Daily Beacon Columnist

Making Waves!!! Whoo-hoo!

2005-11-07T08:08:00.000-08:00

So this weekend I discovered that my last column,
which generated a heap of controversy (much to my delight, of course), has been spreading a little further than I thought. I was speaking to someone who suddenly informed me that he read my article via this blog .
Apparently, my old buddy John Brown, UT alum and former Beacon columnist, has been linking me in his blog. As a result, I ended up on ANOTHER blog.

Networking is a beautiful thing. :)

In other, more personal news, wouldn't it be fabulous to have a boyfriend who leaves a long-stemmed red rose on your windshield for no reaon at all? Oh wait...I already have one like that. :)

Bad Vibrations

2005-11-04T08:39:00.000-08:00

Boys will be Boys

Ah, the egos of brilliant musicians...

In similar news, I really want to get a copy of Pet Sounds. Christmas gift, mayhaps?

In sleep he sang to me...in dreams he came...

2005-11-03T18:24:00.000-08:00

Now playing: Phantom of the Opera: Orignial Cast Recording

I just suddenly got in the mood to listen to this. *swoon*

This is hands-down one of the most beautifully-written musicals in history. It's intoxicating. I wish the film had been a little better (Christine was good, but the Phantom was horrid. No one beats Michael Crawford anyway...)

Ramblerant

2005-11-02T19:48:00.000-08:00

Yknow what, kids? I've discovered I really like to argue.

I'm also pretty good at it.

Next semester I'm taking a rhetoric class, which is a prereq for Persuasive Writing. I think both classes will be invaluable, both in my teaching/writing careers and in everyday verbal ping-pong.

In other news, I FINALLY heard from the Writer's Workshop. I received an honorable mention in the "Hard Times" fiction contest. While the cash prize would have been nice, I can't complain too much...national recognition is always good. Plus, I can always use another resume' builder!

Ok, rant for the day (sorry, I've gotta). Remember in high school when it was really cool to be drunk? I know college is sterotypically a time to get wasted on a regular basis. That said, I'm starting to get really annoyed with those people who a) see drinking as a hobby, and b) feel the need to brag about their alcohol-induced hijinks. Don't get me wrong...I like a drink every now and then (although I haven't consumed any alcohol in a little over a year because of the meds I've been on...see, I value my liver, and the mixing drink with the meds can cause big problems...but I digress). However, when I hear people go on and on about how wasted they got this weekend, describing in detail every little drink they consumed and in what amount, I can't help but think that person has regressed into a sixteen-year old who snuck into his/her parents liquor cabinet. You know what? Getting drunk requires no special skill, nor does it make you special. If I drink orange juice, is it cool for me to go "Aw man, I just consumed a beverage! Worship me."?? No. And I think it's kinda immature and pathetic to go on about it like it's some huge achievement. Like I said, that was cool in high school. We're adults...shut up. No one cares.

Golly, I'm tired. This semester has been on turbo-speed, and I've been thinking about my future a lot lately...more on that later...

Oh, and welcome back, 278th!!! :)

I leave you with a beautiful poem I recently discovered by Jack Gilbert (thanks to Dr. Art Smith!)

ALONE

I never thought Michiko would come back
after she died. But if she did, I knew
it would be as a lady in a long white dress.
It is strange that she has returned
as somebody's dalmation. I meet
the man walking her on a leash
almost every week. He says good morning
and I stoop down to calm her. He said
once that she was never like that with
other people. Sometimes she is tethered
on their lawn when I go by. If nobody
is around, I sit on the grass. When she
finally quiets, she puts her head in my lap
and we watch eath other's eyes as I whisper
in her soft ears. She cares nothing about
the mystery. She likes it best when
I touch her head and tell her small
things about my days and our friends.
That makes her happy the way it always did.

Fowl Play

2005-11-01T07:20:00.000-08:00

Well, I was right about my last column generating a lot of controversy. Surprisingly, though, I recieved more positive mail than negative mail.

I should have known they would only print the most illogical response in today's Beacon. Some girl actually accused me of
slander and defamation against VOX. Funny, since I never mentioned the organization ONCE. I think she needs to look those words up one more time...The saddest part is, some people will read her letter and say "Duuurrrr, she lied about VOX," ignoring the fact that I did no such thing.

I really wish some people would get their fucking facts straight before making flimsy arguments. That's all...

In other news, Halloween was lovely, Thanksgiving is on the horizon, and there is a rooster wandering around in my backyard. I've no clue where it came from...I only know that our terrier, Maddie, has been staking out our back door, waiting to "make her move." Nevermind that the bird would probably kick her ass if a scuffle occured. Thus, Maddie stays in.

Gotta love the South.

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!!!

2005-10-31T08:20:00.000-08:00

Diabetic coma...here I come-a...

"There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin."

Useless News for Friday

2005-10-28T08:38:00.000-07:00

The World Series had the lowest ratings this year.

Well, no shit. Anything that preempts the Simpsons and Family Guy on Sunday nights is simply not worth my time. Greedy baseball players...

So, what's everyone gonna be for Halloween? I'm thinking I might be Princess Buttercup and get Curt into a black mask to be Westley. Hmm...sounds kinda sexy, now that I think about it...

Human Trafficking

2005-10-26T10:27:00.000-07:00

Last night I finished watching the long-anticiptated (by me) Human Trafficking. Say what you will about Lifetime movies, but this one blows them all out of the water. This miniseries young girls who are kidnapped and sold as sex slaves is one of the most disturbing, infuriating, and powerful films I've seen in a long time. And I don't even mean for a TV movie.

I don't want to give much away, because I think everyone should see it when it re-airs. It's terrifying to uncoversuch an ugly truth, but it's necessary. When people think of slavery, they think about the past. Guys, this is going on RIGHT NOW.

The acting was great, a rarity in Lifetime movies. Mira Sorvino is lightyears away from Romy and Michelle here... she pulls off the tough-yet-vunerable thing quite well, though I personally would have liked to see her do more ass-kicking. I don't want to give too much away, but let's just say I thought the boss of the trafficking ring got off easy for all the horrible things he did.

It was tough to watch...heartbreaking even. The end of the first half will piss you off, guaranteed...but so does most of the film. I was especially frustrated with the father of the little girl who wanted to be a model...see the film and you'll understand why.

As an interesting side note: I looked this up on imdb.com (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0461872/), and apparently a great deal of the Russian characters were played by Canadians. Hmm...

Go here for more: http://www.lifetimetv.com/movies/originals/humantrafficking.html

This is sick, y'all.

2005-10-20T10:46:00.000-07:00

Geez...

http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/africa/10/11/unicef.smurfs.ap/

The Evil Christians Are Sabatoging You Mocha!!!!

2005-10-19T11:10:00.000-07:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/usatoday/20051019/ts_usatoday/starbucksstirsthingsupwithagodquoteoncups

This country is crazy. Seriously.

"Let's shout Islam fom the rooftops, but don't you DARE mention anything CLOSE to Christianity! Cos we all know that the Christians are evil bloodsuckers who want to oppress the world! The only time we can give them any leeway is at Christmas...oh, nevermind. Screw that! How dare they take our day of celebrating decadence and capitalism and make it about their stupid Jesus AGAIN!!! Now they're after our coffee...I WON'T DRINK YOUR JESUS COFFEE!!! Gimme a Michael Moore cup instead (we all know that one holds more latte' anyway)!

Man, I don't even like Starbucks, but...this bugs me to no end. Freedom of religion...HA!!!

Smooth Operators

2005-10-18T08:22:00.000-07:00

I was listening to Marvin Gaye on the way to school today, and it got me thinking...

Ok, my little sister has been listening to a lot of rap/hip-hop/pop-hop lately (she copies her friends, and apparently the latest gal-pal is a rap enthusiast...but I digress). When I hear the lyrics to some of these songs and compare them to older songs of the soul/r&b persuasion, I am shcoked at the lack of romance in the new stuff. I mean, performers like Marvin Gaye, Barry White, Issac Hayes...hell, even Boyz II Men...actually had seductive lyrics, and didn't describe women as pieces of meat like today's artists do. I mean, come on, ladies...would you rather have a guy sing about making slow, sweet love to you, or delivering lines such as "nice shoes, wanna fuck?" "lemme see that thong," " that's the way I like to fuck..." etc. etc.? Those older soul legends actually WORKED for the love of their ladies, treating them like queens. These new songs are just about getting pieces of ass.

Where's Chef when ya need him? Heh...

Death is too kind

2005-10-10T19:16:00.000-07:00

Today I did some research for my next column about sexual predators of children, particuarly in the case of Jessica Lunsford. The stuff I found made me sick to my stomach. The cases were all PREVENTABLE...when the fuck are people going to learn that these people CANNOT be rehabilitated? They were given too many chances, and they literally get away with murder.

I am going to start contacting as many officials as I can to push Jessica's Law in Tennessee. I invite anyone with a soul to join me.

In the meantime, here's the column I came up with. Watch for it next Monday...

Jessica Lunsford was only nine years old when she was kidnapped from her Florida home this past February. 47-year-old John Couey snatched the girl from her bed, raped her, and buried her alive. Couey was a registered sex offender long before he confessed to killing Jessica on March 18th: In 1978 he was sentenced to 10 years in prison for sexually assaulting another young girl during a house robbery (Couey also has twenty-four arrests for burglary under his belt). He was paroled in 1980—eleven years before being arrested again for fondling another child. He was released, and now Jessica Lunsford is dead.
The Jessica Lunsford Act, widely known as “Jessica’s Law,” is making the rounds through each state, yet so far has only been passed in Florida by Jeb Bush. If passed in other states, the bill would set a mandatory prison sentence of 25 years to life for those convicted of molesting a child under age twelve. It would also require convicted sex offenders to wear global positioning tracking devices on their ankles for five years following release from prison, a term which is to be doubled if the offender has been labeled a sexual predator. In addition, a perpetrator who fails to properly register as a sex offender would be charged a fine of up to $100,000.
Several politicians and parents, among others, are zealously pushing for Jessica’s Law in their respective states. Clearly, the law is grossly overdue and completely necessary. In fact, I only have one problem with it, and my issue is the complete opposite of several “human rights” groups:
I don’t think “Jessica’s Law” is harsh enough. But, it’s a start.

Yes, there are actually people who oppose Jessica’s Law and any law that mandates stiffer minimum sentences for convicted sexual predators, all in the name of “prisoner’s rights.” These individuals ignore blatant criminal histories and claim that these offenders are “troubled” and can be rehabilitated into upstanding members of society. Worst of all, the people who foster these deluded beliefs are the ones handing out the sentences to these monsters. That’s right—these predators are given slaps on the wrists by our own judges, even after the full account of the crimes becomes public knowledge.
I’m sure many of you are shaking your heads in disbelief, doubtful that our own country can overlook the immensity of these brutal and disgusting crimes. I wish it weren’t true, but the examples speak for themselves:
· John Couey was just one of so many known predators that have been released into society with minimal punishment. A Missouri man named Darrell Jackson pleaded guilty to repeated sexual abuse of a little girl over the course of four years. Judge Larry Kendrick sentenced Jackson to four months in prison and five years of probation. Since the sentence was not active for another few weeks, Jackson walked out of the courthouse and into the streets.
· Joseph Duncan, a Minnesota felon with a history of child abuse, served sixteen years in prison for raping a 14-year-old boy at gunpoint. He was let out on a $1,500 bond by Judge Thomas Schroeder before being charged for molesting yet another child.
· 18-year-old Josh Maciorski of Rhode Island was first sentenced to probation for having sex with a 13-year-old girl and served one year for molesting a 14-year old. After being released, Maciorski received a paltry three years in prison for raping a 16-year old girl.
· Those were just the predators whose victims survived. Five-year old Samantha Runnion’s body was found alongside a highway in Riverside County, California.
Fortunately, Alejandro Avila, who raped and murdered the little girl, was sentenced to death for his crime. However, Avila was previously acquitted on charges of molesting two other little girls—one year before he murdered Samantha.

Even with all this horrific evidence, the media and its activist minions scream for the “rights” of child molesters. They ignore the families who suffer unspeakable pain, the children who are altered forever by a despicable, PREVENTABLE act, and the rest of our defenseless young citizens who must live in constant danger, all in favor of a non-existent, consequence-free gray area in which “an eye for an eye” is too cruel a philosophy and the vilest of criminals need to be handled with care and rehabilitated.
Let me tell you about the rights of a child abuser: There ARE none. As far as I’m concerned, a convicted sex offender forfeited his or her rights the moment that child’s life was stolen. Period. End of story. As for rehabilitation, if the cases above have not shown you that a “chance” of a predator’s recovery is not worth losing another child for, then perhaps nothing will. This is a chance I for one am not willing to take. The punishment I see fit for these monsters cannot be rendered in this column, but I will say that death is the very least of it. Anyone who lobbies for “prisoners’ rights” in these atrocities is putting the well being of a monster before both the life of an innocent child and the security of families everywhere. For those who feel this way, just remember: The blood of Jessica, Samantha, and countless other children covers you hands as well when you extend them to these criminals.
We need to start pushing Jessica’s Law and similar versions of the bill into every state as soon as possible. Those of us who support this need to contact as many elected officials as possible, especially the governor (it might also be helpful to remind them whose votes get them where they are). As horrendous as these crimes may be, we must never forget that steps can be taken to prevent them. The danger will always be present—it’s our duty to wipe it out as soon as it appears.

Turn off the tv, get some fresh air...the commercials are FOLLOWING YOU!!!

2005-10-05T08:42:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else find it incredibly surreal to see October on the calendar and walk outside into June weather?

So today on campus, there is a gigantic tent right in front of Humanities for Axe spray, where a bunch of guys with black shirts and girls in itty-bitty tank tops are giving out Axe products. Thus, I was forced to walk through a commercial on the way to class...a HUGE, unavoidable one.

Yeah, so according to those ads, since I'm a female, I should find either the nearest pole or one of those guys in the tent and start gyrating and swooning...

Damn I hate those commercials...and I hate having it shoved in my face.

Weirdness: The other night I had a dream involving the Beatles and the Little Rascals. I had aparently found this lost "Our Gang" episode in which Alfalfa wants to buy a Seargent Pepper album and can't afford it, so Spanky rallies the gang and they all break their piggie banks to chip in for him. They still don't have enough, but the clerk accepts buttons and lets him have it anyway. Don't ask me why they purchased something that was released over four decades after the Our Gang movies began, or why in the dream I watched this with a bunch of my friends and DANE COOK.

Wow...where do I come with this stuff?

I must be working too hard... :/

Today's Column

2005-10-03T18:33:00.000-07:00

http://dailybeacon.utk.edu/showarticle.php?articleid=48679

Missing Column #2

2005-10-03T18:29:00.000-07:00

DAILY BEACON- (Originally ran September 19, 2005)

Once upon a time, in a land that exists only in the minds of the severely hopeful and the gravely deluded, there was a magical forum known as Fair and Balanced. Here, smiling men and women acknowledged each other as credible members of the human race by allowing their various ideas to permeate the atmosphere in hopes of making it a better place. When an idea was not received well by a particular man or woman, or by a group, the idea was examined closely in its purest form and placed on the scale with its opponent. True tolerance and diversity was practiced and celebrated, and all sought a common goal: the good of the people…
Wha? Oh, no, I must have fallen asleep. Sorry. This odd dream I just described has been nagging at me for ages, demanding my attention. Yes, I am well aware of just how elusive this “fair and balanced” utopia is, and that Bigfoot has a better chance of knocking on my door than a political or social debate has of remaining civil. We have a country in which “diversity” has been redefined and therefore destroyed, --a country where unpopular opinions are marks of evil and stupidity, childish name-calling replaces pertinent information, and people are labeled like pickle jars based on pure assumptions.
People are all about freedom of speech…that is, until someone disagrees with them. Unfortunately, it seems that “intellectuals” and advocates of superficial “tolerance and diversity” are some of the biggest perpetrators of hasty judgment and discrimination. It even occurs at our own university.
Don’t believe me? Let’s consider this subtle example: the numerous letters to the editor that swamped the Beacon during the past couple of weeks in response to a guest column concerning “feminist woes.” Now, a week before all this, I wrote a column criticizing the “contributions” of faux-feminism to the women’s movement, identifying the “free sexual expression” principle as one of the largest sources of degradation. The guest column that ran later was a direct response to mine, expressing many of the same ideas in an expanded form. However, there was one gigantic problem: The guest columnist was male. As a female saying these things, I received several expressions of approval from other women and only one slightly dissenting letter. In other words, I got away with it. As for the other guy…well, several irate readers, using their incredible powers of assumption, concluded he that he was a drooling, beer-guzzling misogynist. Yes, what a jerk; how dare he point out flaws in our society pertaining to women! He’s a man…he has no say in it! He’s one of them…

Oh, and for the record, I completely agreed with him.

Some of you may also recall the incident last year, when the new Diversity Council (how’s THAT for irony?) held a dinner meeting during which a profusion of controversy exploded over the fact that a person blessed the meal. As a certain editorial from that time put it, the prayer was clearly directed at a “Judeo-Christian God,” which apparently annihilates diversity. Now, for those of you who don’t know, there are several ways one can pray—Jews pray, Muslims pray, etc. There’s just something about Christianity that really just gets under people’s skin, because the “diversity police” are constantly seeking out ways to wipe it out. I mean, why else would there be such uproar over a nativity scene being displayed in the city when there was a giant menorah next to the convention center last winter? Freedom of religion for all…unless you’re one of those wingnut Christian bigots.
Which leads me to my next point—a condition I like to refer to as the “your momma” complex. When someone, especially someone with a conservative leaning, makes a point that his or her opponent does not like, the opponent’s counterpoint will often include some sort of character judgment that has nothing to do with the argument and is probably not even true. If Joe, a Bush supporter, talks about “supporting our troops,” he must also be a greedy, racist, classist, homophobic, (insert other word that indicates he hates people), fundamentalist war monger/gun-nut. Oh, and he probably drives an SUV. He is a complete idiot…just like his president. Now, Joe might also refer to Jane as a communist because she hugs trees—for which the media would crucify him. What a bully! Now all the things that were said about him are even more spot on! Finally, if all else fails, both parties have ugly mothers. There—now everyone is wrong. Isn’t it odd how a stream of non-sequiturs can so easily be accepted as informed rhetoric? I think so…I also find it very sad and frightening.
You may find this example absurd and grossly exaggerated. However, I’ve watched pure hatred and misguided assumptions trump logic far too often to believe that respect and aptitude make up the status quo when it comes to politics and society. While we remain trillions of miles from the “utopia” I previously described, I’d like to trigger my optimistic side and hope that we can all become more aware of these errors and find a better way to communicate with each other. After all, most of us want what’s best for the people, right? Let’s just try to leave everyone’s mother out of it.

Missing Column #1

2005-10-03T18:26:00.000-07:00

DAILY BEACON- FIRST COLUMN- (Originally ran August 29, 2005)

Earlier this month, I was flipping through a semi-old issue of the Metro Pulse when I stumbled across an ad for a competition at the Red Iguana (a local dance club) called the Breast Little Contest in Knoxville. According to the ad, women with small breasts are encouraged to show off them off in all their tiny glory in order to win—you guessed it—a free breast augmentation. So girls, not only can your breasts become the viewing pleasure of a crowd of drunken college students, but thanks to the good folks at Red Iguana, those pathetic little things can get their much-needed improvement for free! (Oh gee, where do I sign up?) Honestly, I don’t know who to blame first—The Red Iguana for holding the contest, the Metro Pulse (a.k.a. the self-proclaimed “Weekly Voice” of our city) for running the ad, the cheering crowd at the event, or the women who actually enter the contest. It’s bad enough that so many men still maintain this view of women as pieces of meat who achieve status in life based on sexuality. However, scarier still is the percentage of women who share this view. That’s right…the men are not the only ones guilty of sexism. Sadly, the loudest proponents of this objectification seem to be self-proclaimed “feminists.”
Doesn’t make much sense, does it? Even after decades of positive female empowerment, the well-intentioned ideas of feminism have been misconstrued and squashed into an ugly principle of “free expression” that supposedly empowers women by allowing them to exhibit their sexuality in “new and exciting ways.” For a school of thought that, in its original form, rejected the idea that power is obtained by sexual means, this new outlook is extremely contradictory. Nonetheless, these misguided messages continue to bombard young women.
It begins very early in life: From music to clothing, the media markets oversexed youngsters wearing suggestive outfits, playing “hard to get,” and venerating “desirability” as a female’s greatest achievement. Girls approach sexuality as a game; the end result being an accomplishment of status based solely on how males view them. Teen and preteen girls are often persuaded to play up their appearances and ignore pursuits of an intellectual or creative nature. They slap on ungodly amounts of eyeliner and focus their energies on “getting the guy” by appearing to be less bright than they actually are, as if making intelligent statements will automatically send the boy running. In later years, this behavior can take a more extreme turn as women decide to go under the knife in order to become more attractive to their partners. In spite of all the high-risk effects of plastic surgery, women feel they are obligated to become more physically appealing, even if it means putting themselves in harm’s way.
We as a society are seriously regressing on this: Women claim to appreciate the efforts of those before them to obtain voting rights, career options, etc., yet remain trapped in an earlier stage of history during which a woman’s the primary objective was to appeal to a man (i.e. “the trophy wife”). This time, however, it’s not just about looking “pretty” or docile: It’s about becoming a pleasure object and labeling the action as an exercise of your “sexual freedom.” Now, you may wonder what any of this has to do with neo-feminism. Honestly, it is the classic case of a few bad apples ruining the bunch: Certain women are chanting “If it feels good, do it,” and “it’s your body…displaying it conveys your empowerment!” Pride in one’s body is CRUCIAL, but aren’t dignity and pride supposed to go hand-in-hand? Why do some women still thrive so desperately on seeking the one-dimensional judgment of others in order to attain a feeling of self-worth? Finally, the biggest question: Why on earth do so many “feminists” view sex appeal as a means of power and exposure as liberation, even when the predecessors worked SO hard to eliminate these misguided concepts from the American psyche?
Contests such as this one at the Red Iguana make two very clear statements: A) You are a liberated woman, and as proof of this you are “free” to expose your breasts to others for their enjoyment, even if by doing so you are allowing yourself to be judged as a physical item rather than as a human being with an original character, and B) Once the public has decided that your physical appearance needs more improvement than that of anyone else in this room, you will receive a free opportunity to mutilate yourself so that you can attain the ideal status of a Playboy model, thus improving your chances of gratifying potential significant others.
Let’s recall the old women’s liberation slogan (ignoring that it was also used in a cigarette ad—another rant for another day) “You’ve come a long way, baby.” It remains true; we have come a long way, but a few seem to be backtracking. I hope some of these women will start building recognition for all of their wonderful achievements—the kinds they seek degrees for and that will follow them into their golden years. What do you want to be known for? Let’s face it-- I don’t think anyone really wants her tombstone to read “Here Lies ____, Winner of the 2005 Breast Little Contest in Knoxville.”

The Case of the Missing Columns

2005-10-03T10:58:00.000-07:00

Ok, so here's the deal: I have written three Beacon columns this semester, and today's was the first they put online.

Luckily, I discussed this with the editor-in-chief and the director of publications, and this should no longer be an issue. However, in the spirit of being up-to date (read: perfectionistic :P), I'm going to post the missing columns here for your reading pleasure, along with the link to today's.

Greetings one and all

2005-10-03T10:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, so here is my new blog. To coincide with my "loverly" column in UT's Daily Beacon, welcome to a piece of my brain. Have fun, kids. Oh, and leave comments. They make me smile...most of the time.